Oldest Child's Feeling

 Parents' Conflicts

    As an oldest child in the family, I always be the one who have to be in the middle in my parents' conversation. It could be saying that I'm their mail person, they used me to talk to each other. Since I was little, my understanding about this marriage was exhaustion. I have no clue how come my parents could be married when they're completely opposite in personality. 

    I was only six when they decided to separate due to a minor conflict between my mother and the sister-in-law, and my father did not defend my mother but stood in silence, thus, she left. As time went by, we were raised by our beloved aunty, she was my mother indeed. I could say that I literally had no bonding with my mother since little until I was ten, had my first menstrual cycle. My mother still didn't make peace with the family members, she had lots of hatred toward them. I just couldn't understand because those conflicts were the past, still, she would not let it go. Due to the difference in the personality, my parents weren't calmly have conversations with each other; and my dad, who didn't want any arguments with his wife, always stay quiet in any situations. I feel bad for him to have this marriage, I once wish them to get divorced for the freedom of both. I, myself also could not stand it sometimes!

    The reason I share this is because I was so stressful lately and my mother just being over dramatic toward me, always look for me to find the answer she wanted from her husband. While they're still married, I always thought they are stranger, to her, my dad could never be good enough comparing to her brothers. She usually gossip her husband to all the brothers, letting the misunderstanding gone further. She always defend her brothers in any situations, even she could against her kids for her siblings. 

    In my opinion, I never got a respect from her, she used me for her needs, in anything. And I still help her out without asking in return. I was feeling grumpy lately this two weeks due to her negativity. Last week, her oldest brother suddenly passed away. Everyone were in shock of his death, and even my mother who never get along with him, felt guilty. She then realized that it was too late to apologize for what she has done to him although the brother also had lots of wrongdoing. She cried and blamed herself for his death even it wasn't her fault at all. The cause of his death was from the heart attack due to the block of blood flow caused the high blood pressure. We were all sad about he leaving this world and we tried our best to send him the last farewell. Only my mother who is dramatic and overthinking, she thought that she didn't contribute anything in helping his funeral but looking back, she contributed a part in sending him the last goodbye. I felt her grief and sorrows so I didn't pressure her to go to work second job because grandma need to be taken care of and my mother is her caregiver, thus, she needs to take care of grandma first. 

    Because of the sudden pass from my uncle, our family's income decreased, my uncle helped my family out a lot in providing my dad a job as being his caregiver. I'm so thankful to him for that. However, my mother still stressed me out due to some nonsense problems. She wasn't happy about anything my dad does, nor us. I know my dad sometimes didn't response to the text of my aunty, still, he read it but he just didn't know what to say. My mother still makes complaints about that. She sees her husband as a stranger and never want to have anything to do with him. Still, THEY'RE MARRIED!!!! I just couldn't process how their marriage lasted this long. I bet the answer would be because of us, the kids who are the bridges for their parents' marriage to get reconnected. I mean "NO", they gave birth to us, they of course carry the responsibilities for raising us. It does not mean the opposite which we have to help them make peace or reconnect when they didn't even want to talk to one another. 

    This crisis kept on going for years, I know that it will go up and down, but it is going constantly and it does not give me a break. I still want to live my life that way I wanted and do things I love and passionate in. I just hope my parents can talk nicely to each other without frustration nor disrespect from neither of them. Because they got married so the conflict between them need to be solved from themselves, not us. I know my grumpiness sometimes need to ease down, so I chose to write out my thoughts to process my emotions without pressuring on my mentality. I love myself for who I am and accept all the weakness I have. However, I would not wish to go through these conflict between my parents in the future, hehehehe I know it is impossible but finger crossed!