MOM

 Emotional Trauma

    Since little, I was a good kid who always follow my mom's demand. I did not think much until I grew up and our family moved to America to live. My mom was who I always afraid of, it might be due to the anger from my mom. I do not know how to describe what my feeling toward mom right now, it's so strange and it could not be healed. My mom always have something to share and it's always negative or troublesome. I think maybe I suffered from depression and anxiety in the past, so I could never handle my mom's share, her question will always be: "Are you free? I have something to say/ share!?" I went ahead and tell her to text me what the matter about. Although I texted her that but somehow it triggered my emotion, my heart aroused so fast that I could not stay still while waiting for her text. 

    I don't know what to say, I just knew that whenever mom has texted me wanting to share her feeling or telling somethings, it triggers my anxiety. I am just used to live alone and doing things by myself so I will not want to deal with anything negative any more because I have had enough since I was 10 years old. I have undergone through a lot and those problems were most likely from my mom, although it shouldn't come from her end. I just felt something wrong when she wants to talk to me because usually she never talk to me if nothing happen. I am sitting and waiting for her text, I preferred text because I know that if we call, nothing good turn out. Since kid, I always got blamed from my mom who initiated the problems and never find the solutions for that. I became the cause of everything that she did. I couldn't deal with anything else, she also had a lot in her life, but the way she asked for help or want to have a listening ear wasn't her solution; she just express her anger out by scolding me or blaming me because she didn't know how to handle the emotional burst. 

Due to parents argument, it mostly come from her end which was not giving any respect to her partner. I couldn't say nothing because my dad also eased his ego down to tolerate her stubbornness. My opinion would never being heard from her side. She will do everything to get what she want despite the wrongdoing. Everyone else see their parents as a role model, I could not because my role model didn't teach me any meaningful things but had me suffered from the mentality and distant myself from them. Even my parents still being married but they're just like strangers, no communication, no negotiation, no sharing, no nothing! It was still started from my mom's. She had so many hatred and else her ego was hard to heal with. She will keep her reputation by pushing her wrongdoing to others. My parents now just like a divorced parents and I prefer this situation more than as if they're married. Nothing look like and married couple to me. She could not even take responsibility for being a parent. This diary seems like I am blaming her for everything but actually it was the true story based on my witness. Everything I am sharing here are the truth, there was something even harsher to hear that come from my mom. So I just do my best for my life and try to be a therapy for myself. Knowing that she had so much suffering and I acknowledged that I could never understand what she went through. However, no matter what she did for the family, she still her, and it's undeniable that she's still my mom who give me this life. Therefore, how much challenges that she caused, I will have to face them and overcome those obstacles. I cannot hide any longer since I am a grown up. 

    Although my brother wasn't being mentioned much but without him, I couldn't stay on this earth until this moment. SO thanks to him for being my biggest supporter and my emotional trust.  He grew up just like me, witness everything just like me, so I hope he can live his life peaceful and will only deal with his personal life's obstacles but not the family's. I grow up carrying all the responsibilities included my parents' so my shoulders never get rested. Overthinking always been here and never disappeared! Life is short so I cannot just take my mom's problem to be my personal problem, I got to distinguish the boundary between family and personal. Also, I will prioritize myself more than ever, myself must stand first and then family. I used to live for others' needs and used to be a people pleasure. It must end here and I will have to keep walking on my youth journey. I still have a dream to pursue so I could not let myself down for things that's not my problem. I hope I can do it and never give up on me! 

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